Project

Am planning to do a whole album on someone I am trying to get to know.

I have decided to complete this project by April as a form of self-discovery as well. I had seen a counsellor 3 to 4 years back and through the sessions, I have discovered that I know little about myself and what I like. Yes, I am doing a whole album on myself.

I have 2 brothers and being the middle girl, I felt that I always had to "fight" for attention, when they dun even have to try. My dad is always working. My mum dotes on the boys more. As such, I have always been trying to please others and hence ended up making choices that would please others. For example, if I were asked anything, I will tell her what I think she wants to hear. My counsellor said my behavior has drowned out my own desires. I extended this behavior to all the people around me, my hubby, friends and colleagues. We both agreed that it is kind of sad that in my 30s, I still have no clue what I like - things even down to color choices.

It is true, and I do not even know how to say no. I ended up always being stressed up cause I have so much to do (having promised to do all the things I was asked to). Finally, I sort of had a breakdown at work in 2000/2001. I have become very emotional and crying at all sorts of things. I became bitter and depressed. It became sort of impossible to work without emotional drama as I seemed to have broken down - the part where I could keep my emotions in check.

I thank God that I have a husband who really cares and supports me. Even though he has no clue what was wrong with me - I had no clue either. I have not worked since July 2001. I was blessed again when I was able to have counselling sessions in 2005/6. Notice the tons of 'I's in this entry, you can see that I am much better. (^_^)

After the counselling, I was able to separate myself from 'bad behavior' in baby steps. Now I enjoy spending time with myself with lots of hobbies. I might not be good at any of them but it's a self-discovery process. I still struggle with telling others no and telling them what is it that I like, but at least sometimes I do it. It is easier to do so with my hubby - he has seen the improvement and is always encouraging me. Now and then I still get dragged through the mud after talking on the phone with my mum - but I am determined to be strong and not put down.

Anyways, I am happy now. I am thankful for still being here and breathing. :) I am thankful that despite the bad times, I still get to pursue my hobbies. I am thankful that I can still have the time to discover myself.